A Wish

I wish to feel smaller
under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
every time you speak.
I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
While I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep...

And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans
Ignoring me the morning after
isn't enough
and I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

And I wish to feel smaller under your hands,
though you seem satisfied as you slip mine
down your pants.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
While you lift up my shirt after asking politely.

And I guess it doesn't matter what I am or pretend to be
Cuz it's her you'll always love and it's her I'll always envy.
I want to end this now so dreams of you won't keep me up.
But I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

And it's hard to find
What I want
When it's buried beneath the biggest rock.
I could pay lots of money
To help lift it with machines
But I'm not sure you'd cooperate.
Not sure you'd come clean.

And I wish to feel smaller
under your sheets.
I wish for the whole truth
every time you speak.
And I'm thinkin' about how you care half as much for me
As I watch you arrive, smoke cigarettes, sleep.

And I guess it doesn't matter what I say or what I seem
You stuck what I felt for you in the pocket of your jeans.
Ignoring me the morning after isn't enough
and I swear I'm going to cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

Yeah, I swear I'm gonna cry.
I'm sick of tryin' to be tough.

And my blood won't stick
To the confines of my veins.
And your heart
Is gonna tear mine away.

--Gregory and the Hawk

Untitled

I realize that I am not
blondehairblueeyessoutherncomfortwithmycrazytitsallovertheplace

and that i very much am circlepeginsquarehole.
I can't control that societal glitch of loving someone that is
just
all
wrong for me(and let's face it, neither can you).

But love you I do, and it's like pulling teeth.

I'm waiting for the consequences of your
toxic decisions
to fizzle out. I'm waiting for the tide to ebb,
so that we may kiss and touch and smile and laugh
with our lungs not burning from drowning in all this hushed privacy.

What are you waiting for?
I will not kiss you with my eyes closed so tight any longer,
because yours betray every velvety intention.
I will not stitch my mouth shut against the hard candy of your words,
and every lie will shine like
the coins you shove into your pocket; a currency of reminders,
my face engraved in them.

Heads I lose, tails I'm lost.
I'm lost I'm losing you
Losing you in black eyelashes
Lost in pink tongues

I'm lost in how to lose you,


so instead just say you'll stay.
I'll be the only version of myself I can be,
can you find beauty in that?

let's see houdini get out of this one

if i felt at all like i had lost you, it would have been a month ago.
when everything i built my LIFE around dissolved away in the tears i had shed over what happened.

but it's like the reconstruction part is so much messier than the forgiveness part. and i feel like every day that passes where i make up my mind that rebuilding this takes time, means another day that you become just a touch more hazy. the lines are blurring for you, i think. the lines between what your head wants to do and where your heart is tied.

i know that it doesn't make it any easier that i still feel so comfortable between your sheets, between your legs, between your arms. maybe i just like knowing that if you need to fulfill some instinctive instant gratification, i'm the one that gets to provide that. of course, that in and of itself is a touch ironic, because that instant grat is what got us in this shit hole of a situation in the first place.

so am i supposed to have no security then? does the only reassurance i get have to come from me devoting myself to you again??
i know the answer to this question is, naturally, yes. because it's not my place to say anything about the decisions you make when you're not mine. i've been dissected by two conundrums who want to bury themselves under my skin.
go back to you in my mosaic state and risk falling to pieces again, or sit and wait for the healing process and possibly lose you to some other place and time.

and the earth keeps turning...