It always seems like the biggest realizations blindside me on idle weekdays. I can think and think for hours on something I find intriguing, but I won't really feel the effects until I'm sitting on my couch watching What Not To Wear or something.
Today it hit me while I was checking my e-mail between classes on campus.
I have always told myself that I was just too antsy to keep still in one place for too long. My ambitions and my goals were too rapidly expanding for any fishbowl town. I wanted to travel and create and envision. But today, this ordinary, overcast day, I came to realize that all of this was just a big painting to hang on my wall.
I'll never be that mysterious indie hipster who makes note-worthy music. I'll never be a columnist for any entertainment magazines. I won't move to New York and do fashion shoots for Vogue. I probably won't even sell millions of copies of any book.
No, what I really and truly want for myself is so abhorrently plain and "settled" that I can't believe it even entered my mind.
I want to get hitched, move to some quiet, remote, location (and Granbury, Texas looked pretty damn good to me last weekend), pop out a kid, and teach English.
I can see me now in 20 years:
I'll be in a shapeless, floral frock with Dr. Scholl's shoes and a red ink pen in my hand grading some kid's essay on a Flannery O'Connor work.
Sure, I have dreams of maybe staying in this armpit of Liberalism and opening my own bakery/ cafe or something. But reality is a heavy skin I wear and I guess every year older I get, the more bland my life is going to be.
In a way, it's sort of depressing. I've always been so envious of the kids who are making 3.8s, making admirable creations, and making opinions about things that I'm interested in. I've always wanted to be in that place, but sometimes I feel as if my mind just doesn't stretch that far.
I feel an impulsive urge coming on to prevent this self-fulfilling prophecy. For now, however, maybe I'll just get cozy with the idea that my life will be summed up by the phrase "Pot roast Fridays."
